Pen’sieve

My children are driving me abso-freakin-lutely spittin’ cherry pits moonbat crazy! In the last 5 minutes I have watched Thing 2, who is 5, climb halfway up my stairs, on the outside of the banister, then drop onto the monster dog’s bed with a huge crash and a loud “AWESOME!” I’ve watched Thing 1 (who is 7) do her version of the ‘pee pee’ dance. Then Thing 2 had to show me his version, which of course involved flopping and convulsing on the floor. Then there was the battle over the wiimote. And they’re both smacking gum as closely to my ears as is humanly possible without getting gum in my hair. The Hubby is playing some shoot-em-up-splatter -blood-game on his computer and pretty much just hiding in the office.

We got back from our camping trip yesterday, we spent a week camping in the woods at Lake Michigan. The Things whined and fussed and fought most of the time and Hubby and I were pretty cranky, too. So we packed up a day early and made it home at about 4am today. So the van is still packed to the gills. And that includes our toothbrushes. And obviously my patience, too.  Because for the love of all that is blue and green if Thing 2 doesn’t stop kissing me I’m going to dropkick him across the ever loving house! Ok, time for lunch. Drive thru it is.

I just asked the Things what they wanted from Arby’s. Thing 2 wants 71 french fries. Huh. Sounds good to me too. See ya’ll later.

I’m angry again. No, maybe not so much angry as I am frustrated. One of my husband’s cousins pretty much attacked me online a few weeks ago. I know, I know, it was on Facebook, and that’s a tool of the devil. I get it. Every Sunday morning when my alarm goes off, there’s a preacher on the radio telling me how evil the internet is and how satan uses Facebook and MySpace and Twitter to defeat the will of God. I don’t know where this guy preaches, but hello, you’re on the RADIO. That’s only a few steps away from TELEVISION! Heaven forbid! And TELEVISION is only a few steps away from….wait for it….PODCASTS!

So anyway, I had posted one of my favorite verses: “He rescued me because He delighted in me”. I’ve posted that here before, it’s from Psalms 18, it also has the verse “He drew me out of the deep waters”.  It’s just one of those Psalms that always brings me comfort, not only because it reminds me of he deep deep love of my Savior, but also because it reminds me that God will protect His own.  “⁶ In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came before Him, into His ears. ⁷ The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because He was angry.”

And since I’ve reread the whole thing, now I feel sorry for her. She doesn’t have that promise of an eternity with the same God that gets angry when someone hurts my feelings.  So instead of venting, I’ll pray. That’s what I should be doing anyway, huh? Ok, glad that’s all out of my system for now, maybe I can get some sleep. Good night, sweet dreams!

p

I’ve had it. I’m through. I’m just plain old pissed off and I’m not going to put up with it any longer. All my life I have been called a hypocrite or holier-than-thou and I’m sick of it. I’ve been struggling with this anger for a good long while now and after I get it out of my system here I won’t bring it up again. But right now it’s just making me furious. Can someone please explain to me why I am judged so harshly when I have been very conscious of NOT judging anyone else? I mean really. “Oh? Your first marriage failed and your second marriage isn’t happy? Hm, ever think it might be YOU and not your partner?” But I didn’t say that because it would be mean and judgmental and self righteous. “Hmmmm, so you won’t believe in God because you’re miserable and overwhelmed and feel helpless and hopeless? But believing in a God who will give you peace and strength and comfort and hope is stupid? Looks to me like YOU might be stupid.” But I didn’t say that either cause I’m not a heartless bitch. No. I’m ignorant and naive and simple and uneducated because I choose to follow Jesus and I choose every single morning to walk with Him and to try my best to follow His teaching and His plan for my life. I tried my best to show you that His love is amazing and your life can be amazing too. I wanted to show you that forgiveness is beautifully freeing and grace is so comforting. That even though there is sin and evil and pain and suffering there is also joy and love and hope and peace. But no. In your simpleminded view of me, you have decided that I can’t possibly be honest, I am obviously too vain to be humble and I certainly must be a hypocrite. Because I quote scripture even though I enjoy sex with my husband, I must not possess virtue. Because I minister to children but when I’m very angry at home I cuss, I must have no morals. Because I go to church every Sunday even though I had a margarita Saturday night, my actions belie my beliefs. And of course you’re right. Because you’re right about so many things, aren’t you? You know my heart, don’t you? You know my fears and my weaknesses and my nightmares, and you  know my joys and my strengths and my dreams. You are the perfect person to pass judgment on me, aren’t you? What’s that? Maybe not? Hmmm, imagine that.

So I pray about it. God, I am so ANGRY right now! I want to fight back, I want to yell and scream and make my point and I am right and I want everyone to know it! What do I do? A soft answer turns away wrath. NO! I don’t want to turn away wrath I want to fight back! Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. But that’s not fair! They’re saying mean things about me and I want to stop them! Don’t you hear me, God? I want to fight! Remember, your struggle is not against flesh and blood but against spiritual forces of evil. Well crap. You’re right. So now what? Be strong in the Lord, in Me, and in My mighty power. Pray in the Spirit, on ALL occasions and with all kinds of requests. Oh all right. But I don’t like it. It doesn’t seem wise to me, pray for those who are causing me grief? Have you forgotten Paul? Go back and read Philippians 1   ²⁷Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel ²⁸without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. ²⁹For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, ³⁰since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have. Oh yeah. I remember now. But God, I don’t want to! I didn’t ask if you wanted to, I said do it. Bless those who persecute you. Pray for those who do wrong against you. Love your neighbor as yourself. Be salt to My earth. Forgive those who hurt you. Shine My light to everyone you meet. But God it’s just so hard! Yeah? Well? Tell me where you read ‘take up your cotton candy and follow Me’. You want hard? Try loving liberals. You don’t KNOW hard. Oh all right. I’ll obey You. I don’t like it, but I’ll do it. Yeah, and our next discussion is going to be “everything you do do it as unto Me”. Oh. Right. Ok. God, please help me to have a willing spirit as I pray for them and please bless their lives and their families and show them Your love. And help me to overcome my mean streak.  I know you have a mean streak. Remember that verse I gave you all those years ago? It still applies. I’ve said it over and over again. It is Mine to avenge. In due time their foot will slip. The Lord is a God of retribution, I will repay in full.  And keep in mind, too, that no one else’s opinion matters at all. I will judge you according to your practices. That is all you need to know.  I love you, I will protect you, I will provide for you. Obey Me. Ok, God. I love you, too. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for blessing me. Amen.

So the first of March I had a friend start a 90 day health challenge. I think he was actually doing the P90X exercise series. I said I was up for the challenge, and if I’m completely honest, I knew I was lying when I said it. I’m really good for about three days. And that’s fine because my CrossFit workout cycle is three days of work, one day of rest. Except that my personal workout cycle tends to be three days of work, one week of rest. Oh well. At least I’m doing something, right? Actually, I’ve just signed up for a “duathlon”, running and biking.  It’s in 2 months.  It will be my first official contest.  Well see how it goes.

So it’s been a really weird day in my world today.  I thought I had a doctor’s appointment this morning, my doctor is about an hour away.  I thought my appointment was at 9:30 so we all got up a little early, we all rushed around, and finally got out the door.   I dropped the kids off as school, took the special order thing into the school office, came back and finished getting ready and flew to Ann Arbor for my appointment.  When I checked in, she said “I don’t have you on the schedule for today.”  Crap. My appointment wasn’t until NEXT Monday.  But God is good and my doctor had an opening for right then.  Cool. Got done there and came home only to get the call from school that Jack was crying with  bad headache.  So I went and picked him up and before we could get home he was throwing up.  I’m not sure what is causing his headaches, he has them every once in a while.  He’ll cry when it gets very bad then he’ll throw up. Then he’ll sleep for a while then he’ll be fine. This all happens in a matter of a few hours, they never last very long. I’m thinking it must either be changes in the atmospheric pressure or something he’s eating.  I’ve started keeping a log of them.

Then tonight I was cooking dinner.  Enchiladas and re-fried beans.  I got out the pot to heat the beans.  I got out the can of beans.  I got out the can opener.  It seemed like the opener wasn’t fitting on the can just right so I used a lot of force on it.  So I cranked with all my strength and tried like hell to open…..the edge of the pot. Duh.  Just color me blond today.

Ah well, it’s late. I’m tired. But best of all, I’m forgiven. Ya’ll should try it sometime.

More later,  love ya’ll!

p

Thursday March 4, 2010

Another wash today. No exercise but eating was ok. Getting a cold and my throat hurt all day. Did dishes, though, does that count?

Wednesday March 3, 2010

1 mile run/walk

CrossFit WOD Shoulder Press 3-3-3-3-3-3-3

20-30-35-40-45-45-45

Failed after 5th round, last 2 rounds were push press.

Eating wasn’t terrible, but still wasn’t Zone all day. Crap, forgot my evening meds. And as excited as I was to make the Pose connection with my running, my calves are still screaming. I had no idea it was going to be so different. And the guy that told me I was weird after my rowing/head bobbing workout said I ran weird too. I may just have to kick his ass and get it over with.  I’m going to have to have a talk with the head trainer, too.  CrossFit stuff is not as much about show as it is about function.  And really. Is there any reason at all to have 5 benches lined up in a row? Completely separate from the bench press thingy? I need room more than I need to lay on a bench. And we’ve got all these huge muscle builder guys who grunt and sweat and strut around in t-shirts cut into strips but when I move things around to do an actual functional workout, they look at me like I’m from another planet. Necks as big as tree trunks, pounding the protein shakes, and not a single one of them can bend and touch his toes.  Ah well. My only real complaint is that I don’t have enough room to do the type of things I need to do. I’ll talk to Kevin tomorrow.

I kept the kids up late tonight, I’m hoping they’ll sleep later tomorrow since they’re out of school. Oh, I need to make sure I turn Sarah’s alarm clock off then. Ok, I’m off. Tomorrow’s a CF rest day so I’m gonna catch up on my running. Joy.

Tuesday March 2, 2010

Today was pretty much a complete wash. Good Zone morning, but then the kids came home from school and everything went straight to hell. Oh well.

This was actually Monday’s workout,  March 1, 2010.

Run/walk 2.5 miles

CrossFit WOD War Frank (modified)

3 rounds for 17:48

15 Lat pull downs 50lbs

15 Triceps dips

30 Squats

15 Flat sit ups (laying flat, roll up, touch toes, roll down)

Mostly Zone diet, 11 blocks protein, carbs, and fat.

I hate being sad.  I do this every once in a while.  I get obsessed with one thing and it pretty much takes over my mind.  I can go about my day and function almost normally, sing at church, play with the kids, interact with the husband, whatever I need to do, but when I get quiet, when I am alone, this one thing takes over my thoughts.  Right now it’s sadness. Remorse, regret, guilt, whatever you want to call it, I’m just sad.  I feel like I’ve failed and I’ll admit that I’m not used to that.  I’ve been told NO and then prevented from pleading my case.  I feel helpless and useless and ashamed. Ugh. Ok, I’ll stop wallowing in my own misery in a few minutes.  I’ve pretty much cried it all out anyway.  Time to pray about it and get on with my life.  I know.

Hehheh, but then I tend to get a little bloodthirsty and vengeful, cause when I look for the verse that says “He rescued me because He delighted in me” I find the verse: “He is the God who avenges me”.  Gotta love Psalms.  I know it’s a long one, but it made me feel encouraged today so I’m putting it up so maybe I can encourage someone else.

Psalms 18.

¹ I love you, O LORD, my strength.

² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn ^[a] of my salvation, my stronghold.

³ I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

⁴ The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

⁵ The cords of the grave ^[b] coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

⁶ In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.

⁷ The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.

⁸ Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.

⁹ He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.

¹⁰ He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.

¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.

¹² Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

¹³ The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded. ^[c]

¹⁴ He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies ,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.

¹⁵ The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

²⁰ The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

²¹ For I have kept the ways of the LORD;
I have not done evil by turning from my God.

²² All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.

²³ I have been blameless before him
and have kept myself from sin.

²⁴ The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

²⁵ To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,

²⁶ to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.

²⁷ You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.

²⁸ You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.

²⁹ With your help I can advance against a troop ^[d] ;
with my God I can scale a wall.

³⁰ As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.

³¹ For who is God besides the LORD ?
And who is the Rock except our God?

³² It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.

³³ He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.

³⁴ He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

³⁵ You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.

³⁶ You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn.

³⁷ I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.

³⁸ I crushed them so that they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.

³⁹ You armed me with strength for battle;
you made my adversaries bow at my feet.

⁴⁰ You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.

⁴¹ They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
to the LORD, but he did not answer.

⁴² I beat them as fine as dust borne on the wind;
I poured them out like mud in the streets.

⁴³ You have delivered me from the attacks of the people;
you have made me the head of nations;
people I did not know are subject to me.

⁴⁴ As soon as they hear me, they obey me;
foreigners cringe before me.

⁴⁵ They all lose heart;
they come trembling from their strongholds.

⁴⁶ The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!

⁴⁷ He is the God who avenges me,
who subdues nations under me,

⁴⁸ who saves me from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
from violent men you rescued me.

⁴⁹ Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD;
I will sing praises to your name.

⁵⁰ He gives his king great victories;
he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed,
to David and his descendants forever.

Yeah, I guess you could call it a struggle. I’m mad. Angry. Furious. Livid. And I have no one to blame but my own self. How impotent is that? To be angry at myself? And why am I so angry? Even the reason is stupid. I cared. About a problem, about a person, about a hurt, it doesn’t matter what it was, just that I cared. I deliberately let this problem get under my skin and actually affect my life. I worried about this problem. I prayed about this person. I tried to soothe this hurt. I honestly thought I could help. I thought I could solve this problem. I thought I could reach this person. I thought God would heal this hurt. So maybe my struggle isn’t anger. Maybe my struggle is vanity. No. Let’s call it pride.  I was proud of myself for thinking I could solve this problem. I was proud to say I’m praying for this person. I was even proud to add this hurt to myself. Turns out I only created a bigger problem, alienated the person, and caused more hurt for more than myself. So here I am again, at the foot of the Cross, begging for forgiveness. I give up, Lord. You have moved me out of the way, please, work in spite of me.

One good thing about anger, though, it makes my workouts easier. I’ll talk more later, I’ve got a sick little boy who wants to go take a nap.

p