Archive for February, 2010

New week…

Monday, February 15th, 2010

I hate being sad.  I do this every once in a while.  I get obsessed with one thing and it pretty much takes over my mind.  I can go about my day and function almost normally, sing at church, play with the kids, interact with the husband, whatever I need to do, but when I get quiet, when I am alone, this one thing takes over my thoughts.  Right now it’s sadness. Remorse, regret, guilt, whatever you want to call it, I’m just sad.  I feel like I’ve failed and I’ll admit that I’m not used to that.  I’ve been told NO and then prevented from pleading my case.  I feel helpless and useless and ashamed. Ugh. Ok, I’ll stop wallowing in my own misery in a few minutes.  I’ve pretty much cried it all out anyway.  Time to pray about it and get on with my life.  I know.

Hehheh, but then I tend to get a little bloodthirsty and vengeful, cause when I look for the verse that says “He rescued me because He delighted in me” I find the verse: “He is the God who avenges me”.  Gotta love Psalms.  I know it’s a long one, but it made me feel encouraged today so I’m putting it up so maybe I can encourage someone else.

Psalms 18.

1 I love you, O LORD, my strength.

2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn [a] of my salvation, my stronghold.

3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

4 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

5 The cords of the grave [b] coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

6 In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.

7 The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.

8 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.

9 He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.

10 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.

11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.

12 Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

13 The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded. [c]

14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies ,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.

15 The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

20 The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

21 For I have kept the ways of the LORD;
I have not done evil by turning from my God.

22 All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.

23 I have been blameless before him
and have kept myself from sin.

24 The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

25 To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,

26 to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.

27 You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.

28 You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.

29 With your help I can advance against a troop [d] ;
with my God I can scale a wall.

30 As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.

31 For who is God besides the LORD ?
And who is the Rock except our God?

32 It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.

33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.

34 He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

35 You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.

36 You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn.

37 I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.

38 I crushed them so that they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.

39 You armed me with strength for battle;
you made my adversaries bow at my feet.

40 You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.

41 They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
to the LORD, but he did not answer.

42 I beat them as fine as dust borne on the wind;
I poured them out like mud in the streets.

43 You have delivered me from the attacks of the people;
you have made me the head of nations;
people I did not know are subject to me.

44 As soon as they hear me, they obey me;
foreigners cringe before me.

45 They all lose heart;
they come trembling from their strongholds.

46 The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!

47 He is the God who avenges me,
who subdues nations under me,

48 who saves me from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
from violent men you rescued me.

49 Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD;
I will sing praises to your name.

50 He gives his king great victories;
he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed,
to David and his descendants forever.

Still struggling…

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

Yeah, I guess you could call it a struggle. I’m mad. Angry. Furious. Livid. And I have no one to blame but my own self. How impotent is that? To be angry at myself? And why am I so angry? Even the reason is stupid. I cared. About a problem, about a person, about a hurt, it doesn’t matter what it was, just that I cared. I deliberately let this problem get under my skin and actually affect my life. I worried about this problem. I prayed about this person. I tried to soothe this hurt. I honestly thought I could help. I thought I could solve this problem. I thought I could reach this person. I thought God would heal this hurt. So maybe my struggle isn’t anger. Maybe my struggle is vanity. No. Let’s call it pride.  I was proud of myself for thinking I could solve this problem. I was proud to say I’m praying for this person. I was even proud to add this hurt to myself. Turns out I only created a bigger problem, alienated the person, and caused more hurt for more than myself. So here I am again, at the foot of the Cross, begging for forgiveness. I give up, Lord. You have moved me out of the way, please, work in spite of me.

One good thing about anger, though, it makes my workouts easier. I’ll talk more later, I’ve got a sick little boy who wants to go take a nap.

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