Archive for May, 2010

Workin’ it all out of my system….

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

I’ve had it. I’m through. I’m just plain old pissed off and I’m not going to put up with it any longer. All my life I have been called a hypocrite or holier-than-thou and I’m sick of it. I’ve been struggling with this anger for a good long while now and after I get it out of my system here I won’t bring it up again. But right now it’s just making me furious. Can someone please explain to me why I am judged so harshly when I have been very conscious of NOT judging anyone else? I mean really. “Oh? Your first marriage failed and your second marriage isn’t happy? Hm, ever think it might be YOU and not your partner?” But I didn’t say that because it would be mean and judgmental and self righteous. “Hmmmm, so you won’t believe in God because you’re miserable and overwhelmed and feel helpless and hopeless? But believing in a God who will give you peace and strength and comfort and hope is stupid? Looks to me like YOU might be stupid.” But I didn’t say that either cause I’m not a heartless bitch. No. I’m ignorant and naive and simple and uneducated because I choose to follow Jesus and I choose every single morning to walk with Him and to try my best to follow His teaching and His plan for my life. I tried my best to show you that His love is amazing and your life can be amazing too. I wanted to show you that forgiveness is beautifully freeing and grace is so comforting. That even though there is sin and evil and pain and suffering there is also joy and love and hope and peace. But no. In your simpleminded view of me, you have decided that I can’t possibly be honest, I am obviously too vain to be humble and I certainly must be a hypocrite. Because I quote scripture even though I enjoy sex with my husband, I must not possess virtue. Because I minister to children but when I’m very angry at home I cuss, I must have no morals. Because I go to church every Sunday even though I had a margarita Saturday night, my actions belie my beliefs. And of course you’re right. Because you’re right about so many things, aren’t you? You know my heart, don’t you? You know my fears and my weaknesses and my nightmares, and you  know my joys and my strengths and my dreams. You are the perfect person to pass judgment on me, aren’t you? What’s that? Maybe not? Hmmm, imagine that.

So I pray about it. God, I am so ANGRY right now! I want to fight back, I want to yell and scream and make my point and I am right and I want everyone to know it! What do I do? A soft answer turns away wrath. NO! I don’t want to turn away wrath I want to fight back! Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. But that’s not fair! They’re saying mean things about me and I want to stop them! Don’t you hear me, God? I want to fight! Remember, your struggle is not against flesh and blood but against spiritual forces of evil. Well crap. You’re right. So now what? Be strong in the Lord, in Me, and in My mighty power. Pray in the Spirit, on ALL occasions and with all kinds of requests. Oh all right. But I don’t like it. It doesn’t seem wise to me, pray for those who are causing me grief? Have you forgotten Paul? Go back and read Philippians 1   27Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel 28without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. 29For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, 30since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have. Oh yeah. I remember now. But God, I don’t want to! I didn’t ask if you wanted to, I said do it. Bless those who persecute you. Pray for those who do wrong against you. Love your neighbor as yourself. Be salt to My earth. Forgive those who hurt you. Shine My light to everyone you meet. But God it’s just so hard! Yeah? Well? Tell me where you read ‘take up your cotton candy and follow Me’. You want hard? Try loving liberals. You don’t KNOW hard. Oh all right. I’ll obey You. I don’t like it, but I’ll do it. Yeah, and our next discussion is going to be “everything you do do it as unto Me”. Oh. Right. Ok. God, please help me to have a willing spirit as I pray for them and please bless their lives and their families and show them Your love. And help me to overcome my mean streak.  I know you have a mean streak. Remember that verse I gave you all those years ago? It still applies. I’ve said it over and over again. It is Mine to avenge. In due time their foot will slip. The Lord is a God of retribution, I will repay in full.  And keep in mind, too, that no one else’s opinion matters at all. I will judge you according to your practices. That is all you need to know.  I love you, I will protect you, I will provide for you. Obey Me. Ok, God. I love you, too. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for blessing me. Amen.