Pen’sieve

I am a HUGE Alabama football fan. I bleed crimson. I yell ROLL TIDE even when they were losing and playing like wimps. And I yell when they’re winning, the Iron bowl game, the SEC championship game, and the national championship game. I love Alabama football.

My husband, however, (I still haven’t come up with an appropriate name for him) is a Michigan fan. I know, I know, I pray for him too. We live very near Ann Arbor. Sidenote: the street signs in Ann Arbor are maize and blue. But he is not as true a fan as I am. I have seen him be in the middle of a game, realize that Michigan is losing, and WALK AWAY FROM THE TV. I don’t understand it either. When they’re winning, he claims to be a die-hard fan. I have to admit, it makes my life calmer when they’re winning, and as long as they’re not playing Alabama that’s just fine. But the first football season we were married, Alabama and Michigan played each other in the Orange bowl. Alabama lost by 1 point in overtime. I was not pleased. But my husband could not be too happy because we were at my Uncle Claud’s house surrounded by most of my family.

I should take a moment here to point out that my entire family are Bama fans. Most of them are intense fans. That means so much more than ‘die-hard’. Tempers explode, they don’t just flare. Blood pressures blast into deep space, they don’t just rise. Voices of the most soft spoken and gentle men become roars that are heard miles away. And the women are even more intense. This is the situation in which my brand new yankee husband found himself upon the Alabama loss of the Orange bowl. His first response was “Michigan won!” His next thought was “how the hell do I survive this?” So it might have been a victory, but it was definitely a subdued one.

Now, we watch games together, I’ll pull for Michigan, he’ll pull for Alabama, and all is well with our world. Alabama and Michigan aren’t scheduled to play each other for at least 2 more years. We’re good, for now.

I’ve had it. I’m through. I’m just plain old pissed off and I’m not going to put up with it any longer. All my life I have been called a hypocrite or holier-than-thou and I’m sick of it. I’ve been struggling with this anger for a good long while now and after I get it out of my system here I won’t bring it up again. But right now it’s just making me furious. Can someone please explain to me why I am judged so harshly when I have been very conscious of NOT judging anyone else? I mean really. “Oh? Your first marriage failed and your second marriage isn’t happy? Hm, ever think it might be YOU and not your partner?” But I didn’t say that because it would be mean and judgmental and self righteous. “Hmmmm, so you won’t believe in God because you’re miserable and overwhelmed and feel helpless and hopeless? But believing in a God who will give you peace and strength and comfort and hope is stupid? Looks to me like YOU might be stupid.” But I didn’t say that either cause I’m not a heartless bitch. No. I’m ignorant and naive and simple and uneducated because I choose to follow Jesus and I choose every single morning to walk with Him and to try my best to follow His teaching and His plan for my life. I tried my best to show you that His love is amazing and your life can be amazing too. I wanted to show you that forgiveness is beautifully freeing and grace is so comforting. That even though there is sin and evil and pain and suffering there is also joy and love and hope and peace. But no. In your simpleminded view of me, you have decided that I can’t possibly be honest, I am obviously too vain to be humble and I certainly must be a hypocrite. Because I quote scripture even though I enjoy sex with my husband, I must not possess virtue. Because I minister to children but when I’m very angry at home I cuss, I must have no morals. Because I go to church every Sunday even though I had a margarita Saturday night, my actions belie my beliefs. And of course you’re right. Because you’re right about so many things, aren’t you? You know my heart, don’t you? You know my fears and my weaknesses and my nightmares, and you  know my joys and my strengths and my dreams. You are the perfect person to pass judgment on me, aren’t you? What’s that? Maybe not? Hmmm, imagine that.

So I pray about it. God, I am so ANGRY right now! I want to fight back, I want to yell and scream and make my point and I am right and I want everyone to know it! What do I do? A soft answer turns away wrath. NO! I don’t want to turn away wrath I want to fight back! Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. But that’s not fair! They’re saying mean things about me and I want to stop them! Don’t you hear me, God? I want to fight! Remember, your struggle is not against flesh and blood but against spiritual forces of evil. Well crap. You’re right. So now what? Be strong in the Lord, in Me, and in My mighty power. Pray in the Spirit, on ALL occasions and with all kinds of requests. Oh all right. But I don’t like it. It doesn’t seem wise to me, pray for those who are causing me grief? Have you forgotten Paul? Go back and read Philippians 1   ²⁷Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel ²⁸without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. ²⁹For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, ³⁰since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have. Oh yeah. I remember now. But God, I don’t want to! I didn’t ask if you wanted to, I said do it. Bless those who persecute you. Pray for those who do wrong against you. Love your neighbor as yourself. Be salt to My earth. Forgive those who hurt you. Shine My light to everyone you meet. But God it’s just so hard! Yeah? Well? Tell me where you read ‘take up your cotton candy and follow Me’. You want hard? Try loving liberals. You don’t KNOW hard. Oh all right. I’ll obey You. I don’t like it, but I’ll do it. Yeah, and our next discussion is going to be “everything you do do it as unto Me”. Oh. Right. Ok. God, please help me to have a willing spirit as I pray for them and please bless their lives and their families and show them Your love. And help me to overcome my mean streak.  I know you have a mean streak. Remember that verse I gave you all those years ago? It still applies. I’ve said it over and over again. It is Mine to avenge. In due time their foot will slip. The Lord is a God of retribution, I will repay in full.  And keep in mind, too, that no one else’s opinion matters at all. I will judge you according to your practices. That is all you need to know.  I love you, I will protect you, I will provide for you. Obey Me. Ok, God. I love you, too. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for blessing me. Amen.

So the first of March I had a friend start a 90 day health challenge. I think he was actually doing the P90X exercise series. I said I was up for the challenge, and if I’m completely honest, I knew I was lying when I said it. I’m really good for about three days. And that’s fine because my CrossFit workout cycle is three days of work, one day of rest. Except that my personal workout cycle tends to be three days of work, one week of rest. Oh well. At least I’m doing something, right? Actually, I’ve just signed up for a “duathlon”, running and biking.  It’s in 2 months.  It will be my first official contest.  Well see how it goes.

So it’s been a really weird day in my world today.  I thought I had a doctor’s appointment this morning, my doctor is about an hour away.  I thought my appointment was at 9:30 so we all got up a little early, we all rushed around, and finally got out the door.   I dropped the kids off as school, took the special order thing into the school office, came back and finished getting ready and flew to Ann Arbor for my appointment.  When I checked in, she said “I don’t have you on the schedule for today.”  Crap. My appointment wasn’t until NEXT Monday.  But God is good and my doctor had an opening for right then.  Cool. Got done there and came home only to get the call from school that Jack was crying with  bad headache.  So I went and picked him up and before we could get home he was throwing up.  I’m not sure what is causing his headaches, he has them every once in a while.  He’ll cry when it gets very bad then he’ll throw up. Then he’ll sleep for a while then he’ll be fine. This all happens in a matter of a few hours, they never last very long. I’m thinking it must either be changes in the atmospheric pressure or something he’s eating.  I’ve started keeping a log of them.

Then tonight I was cooking dinner.  Enchiladas and re-fried beans.  I got out the pot to heat the beans.  I got out the can of beans.  I got out the can opener.  It seemed like the opener wasn’t fitting on the can just right so I used a lot of force on it.  So I cranked with all my strength and tried like hell to open…..the edge of the pot. Duh.  Just color me blond today.

Ah well, it’s late. I’m tired. But best of all, I’m forgiven. Ya’ll should try it sometime.

More later,  love ya’ll!

p

Thursday March 4, 2010

Another wash today. No exercise but eating was ok. Getting a cold and my throat hurt all day. Did dishes, though, does that count?

Tuesday March 2, 2010

Today was pretty much a complete wash. Good Zone morning, but then the kids came home from school and everything went straight to hell. Oh well.

This was actually Monday’s workout,  March 1, 2010.

Run/walk 2.5 miles

CrossFit WOD War Frank (modified)

3 rounds for 17:48

15 Lat pull downs 50lbs

15 Triceps dips

30 Squats

15 Flat sit ups (laying flat, roll up, touch toes, roll down)

Mostly Zone diet, 11 blocks protein, carbs, and fat.

I hate being sad.  I do this every once in a while.  I get obsessed with one thing and it pretty much takes over my mind.  I can go about my day and function almost normally, sing at church, play with the kids, interact with the husband, whatever I need to do, but when I get quiet, when I am alone, this one thing takes over my thoughts.  Right now it’s sadness. Remorse, regret, guilt, whatever you want to call it, I’m just sad.  I feel like I’ve failed and I’ll admit that I’m not used to that.  I’ve been told NO and then prevented from pleading my case.  I feel helpless and useless and ashamed. Ugh. Ok, I’ll stop wallowing in my own misery in a few minutes.  I’ve pretty much cried it all out anyway.  Time to pray about it and get on with my life.  I know.

Hehheh, but then I tend to get a little bloodthirsty and vengeful, cause when I look for the verse that says “He rescued me because He delighted in me” I find the verse: “He is the God who avenges me”.  Gotta love Psalms.  I know it’s a long one, but it made me feel encouraged today so I’m putting it up so maybe I can encourage someone else.

Psalms 18.

¹ I love you, O LORD, my strength.

² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn ^[a] of my salvation, my stronghold.

³ I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

⁴ The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

⁵ The cords of the grave ^[b] coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

⁶ In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.

⁷ The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.

⁸ Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.

⁹ He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.

¹⁰ He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.

¹¹ He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.

¹² Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

¹³ The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded. ^[c]

¹⁴ He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies ,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.

¹⁵ The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

²⁰ The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

²¹ For I have kept the ways of the LORD;
I have not done evil by turning from my God.

²² All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.

²³ I have been blameless before him
and have kept myself from sin.

²⁴ The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

²⁵ To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,

²⁶ to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.

²⁷ You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.

²⁸ You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.

²⁹ With your help I can advance against a troop ^[d] ;
with my God I can scale a wall.

³⁰ As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.

³¹ For who is God besides the LORD ?
And who is the Rock except our God?

³² It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.

³³ He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.

³⁴ He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

³⁵ You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.

³⁶ You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn.

³⁷ I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.

³⁸ I crushed them so that they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.

³⁹ You armed me with strength for battle;
you made my adversaries bow at my feet.

⁴⁰ You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.

⁴¹ They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
to the LORD, but he did not answer.

⁴² I beat them as fine as dust borne on the wind;
I poured them out like mud in the streets.

⁴³ You have delivered me from the attacks of the people;
you have made me the head of nations;
people I did not know are subject to me.

⁴⁴ As soon as they hear me, they obey me;
foreigners cringe before me.

⁴⁵ They all lose heart;
they come trembling from their strongholds.

⁴⁶ The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!

⁴⁷ He is the God who avenges me,
who subdues nations under me,

⁴⁸ who saves me from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
from violent men you rescued me.

⁴⁹ Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD;
I will sing praises to your name.

⁵⁰ He gives his king great victories;
he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed,
to David and his descendants forever.

I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m angry. I’m unsure. I’m afraid. I’m tired. I feel like I’ve been completely locked out of my own house with no way to get back in. I feel like I’ve been forgotten and deliberately left out of the group that is going to my party. I’m back to the broken terrified little girl who’s hiding in her closet hoping the monster doesn’t come in. I feel so alone it hurts to feel anything at all. Inside I’m screaming: WHY? Why me? Why now? Why this? Why? Why? Why? What will I do? How will I survive? Where do I go? Who could possibly love me now? What did I do wrong? At my very core I have no more hope. There is no more happy anywhere. What is left? I even feel like God is gone. And it gets worse. I have friends who are hurting. I have family who are hurting. People I love are feeling the same helplessness and despair that I am and there’s nothing I can do to help. Children are hurting. Parents are suffering. God! Where have you gone?

So often, as I get older, I feel so overwhelmed by this darkness and I do know that it’s evil. I do understand that as a child of God I am in an absolute battle, Ephesians 6:12 says “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” I understand this. I know this. So why do I still question and fall into the enemy’s trap of doubt and hopelessness? Because satan knows exactly what arrows to use to pierce my heart and weaken my faith. ‘You can’t possibly matter enough for her to remember you. Why would you think he would find you attractive, don’t you look in the mirror? No one cares if you go or not, they won’t miss you. No wonder your kids don’t respect you, you’re not worthy of respect. You’re not fooling anyone, you don’t have anything together, you’re useless.’ How does the enemy know what to use to defeat me? Because he does his homework too. He knows all my issues. He amplifies my nightmares and uses my emotions against me. And he knows too that I’m lazy. I don’t read my bible every day. I always have my ’salvation helmet’ but it seems that the sword of the Spirit gets forgotten. Then the shield of faith falters. Then the darkness comes back. And I’m again the broken little girl hiding from the monster. And I begin to question. How could a God that loves me let such bad things happen to me? Because those things are still affecting me. And they’re effecting the way I raise my children. And the older I get the more resentment and bitterness I seem to have. And the more fear. And there’s the most effective weapon that satan has, fear. Because at the bottom of all the other emotions are fear. I’m afraid I’m not a good enough Mom. I’m afraid I’m not a good enough wife. I’m afraid I’m not a good enough friend. I’m afraid I’m not a good enough witness. I’m afraid I’m failing at the most important things I’ve been called to do and that fear is crashing in on me from all sides and I’m sinking and I’m screaming and I’m sobbing and there’s so much noise and so much confusion and I can’t hear and I can’t see and the darkness is winning.

And all of a sudden, in that tiny split second of silence, while I’m drawing another breath for one more plea, I feel a silent whisper.

Peace. Be still and know that I am God. And the tears begin to subside. Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. I will never leave you. And the loneliness begins to ease. The winds and the seas obey my commands. Peace. Be still. And the waves of fear still and I’m no longer tossed around. Let there be light. And the darkness fades. I am faithful to fulfill my promise in you. I began a good work in you, I will complete it. I love you. I delight in you. I long to show you my ways, for my ways are not like your ways. I’m your Father, I love you more than anything else I have created. Come here, I will give you rest. I will give you my strength, and you will be safe. I hurt when you hurt. I ache when you cry. I am here, waiting to hold you when you have lost all hope. I am hope. I am love. I am peace. I am here. All you have to do is accept me. I will protect you. There is no one like me. I am the beginning and the end, there is no one more powerful than me. You are my child and I love you. I want to give you my grace, for my grace is sufficient for you. I will make you strong when you feel weak. I am here. I forgive you. I love you. I want you. You are mine. I see your heart, I know your fears. I love you. I created you, I have a purpose for you. I want to teach you that purpose. I will be with you. I will never leave you. I am here. I love you. My love for you will never falter, it will never leave you. I delight in you. Acccept me. Love me. I will bless you beyond measure. I will bless your children. I will bless your home. I will bless your comings and your goings. I have joy for you, I want to fill you with my joy. I will use you to do great things in my name. You are mine. I created you. What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do. I have called you. I have chosen you. I have a purpose for you. You are mine. I love you. Be still and know that I am God.

Thank you, God. Thank you. Here I am. Fill me. Use me. Save me. Strengthen me. Move in me. Make me holy as You are holy. Renew my spirit. Heal my hurts. Forgive my sins. Teach me. Guide me. Use me. I love you.

Ok, I really have been ok with me eating and exercising, except for this week. Eating is fine but the gym? I’ve been once. So I’ll weigh in tomorrow morning and report on any changes, good or bad. I’m measuring once a month.

Did you know you can buy soy-nut butter at WalMart? It’s actually very good, the kids didn’t even know it wasn’t peanut butter. And that’s a huge compliment from a 6 year old. So I’m feeling a little smug eating the soy butter on my whole grain mini bagel and drinking my water. But now the coffee’s finished, time to give in to my addiction.

Well, I got my workout in today. 2 miles in 30 minutes. Then the CrossFit workout was 5 rounds of 15 15lb dumbbell cleans ans 11 50lb lat pullowns. In 26 minutes. I’m pooped. I did ok with eating, too, till I got to my bible study and bought a piece of rice krispy candy that was seriously almost as big as my head. And I ate. the. whole. thing! Boy, it was good, too. But I weighed in and measured so I know where I’m starting. I’ll update as often as I can.

‘Night!

p