My struggle….

I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m angry. I’m unsure. I’m afraid. I’m tired. I feel like I’ve been completely locked out of my own house with no way to get back in. I feel like I’ve been forgotten and deliberately left out of the group that is going to my party. I’m back to the broken terrified little girl who’s hiding in her closet hoping the monster doesn’t come in. I feel so alone it hurts to feel anything at all. Inside I’m screaming: WHY? Why me? Why now? Why this? Why? Why? Why? What will I do? How will I survive? Where do I go? Who could possibly love me now? What did I do wrong? At my very core I have no more hope. There is no more happy anywhere. What is left? I even feel like God is gone. And it gets worse. I have friends who are hurting. I have family who are hurting. People I love are feeling the same helplessness and despair that I am and there’s nothing I can do to help. Children are hurting. Parents are suffering. God! Where have you gone?

So often, as I get older, I feel so overwhelmed by this darkness and I do know that it’s evil. I do understand that as a child of God I am in an absolute battle, Ephesians 6:12 says “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” I understand this. I know this. So why do I still question and fall into the enemy’s trap of doubt and hopelessness? Because satan knows exactly what arrows to use to pierce my heart and weaken my faith. ‘You can’t possibly matter enough for her to remember you. Why would you think he would find you attractive, don’t you look in the mirror? No one cares if you go or not, they won’t miss you. No wonder your kids don’t respect you, you’re not worthy of respect. You’re not fooling anyone, you don’t have anything together, you’re useless.’ How does the enemy know what to use to defeat me? Because he does his homework too. He knows all my issues. He amplifies my nightmares and uses my emotions against me. And he knows too that I’m lazy. I don’t read my bible every day. I always have my ‘salvation helmet’ but it seems that the sword of the Spirit gets forgotten. Then the shield of faith falters. Then the darkness comes back. And I’m again the broken little girl hiding from the monster. And I begin to question. How could a God that loves me let such bad things happen to me? Because those things are still affecting me. And they’re effecting the way I raise my children. And the older I get the more resentment and bitterness I seem to have. And the more fear. And there’s the most effective weapon that satan has, fear. Because at the bottom of all the other emotions are fear. I’m afraid I’m not a good enough Mom. I’m afraid I’m not a good enough wife. I’m afraid I’m not a good enough friend. I’m afraid I’m not a good enough witness. I’m afraid I’m failing at the most important things I’ve been called to do and that fear is crashing in on me from all sides and I’m sinking and I’m screaming and I’m sobbing and there’s so much noise and so much confusion and I can’t hear and I can’t see and the darkness is winning.

And all of a sudden, in that tiny split second of silence, while I’m drawing another breath for one more plea, I feel a silent whisper.

Peace. Be still and know that I am God. And the tears begin to subside. Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. I will never leave you. And the loneliness begins to ease. The winds and the seas obey my commands. Peace. Be still. And the waves of fear still and I’m no longer tossed around. Let there be light. And the darkness fades. I am faithful to fulfill my promise in you. I began a good work in you, I will complete it. I love you. I delight in you. I long to show you my ways, for my ways are not like your ways. I’m your Father, I love you more than anything else I have created. Come here, I will give you rest. I will give you my strength, and you will be safe. I hurt when you hurt. I ache when you cry. I am here, waiting to hold you when you have lost all hope. I am hope. I am love. I am peace. I am here. All you have to do is accept me. I will protect you. There is no one like me. I am the beginning and the end, there is no one more powerful than me. You are my child and I love you. I want to give you my grace, for my grace is sufficient for you. I will make you strong when you feel weak. I am here. I forgive you. I love you. I want you. You are mine. I see your heart, I know your fears. I love you. I created you, I have a purpose for you. I want to teach you that purpose. I will be with you. I will never leave you. I am here. I love you. My love for you will never falter, it will never leave you. I delight in you. Acccept me. Love me. I will bless you beyond measure. I will bless your children. I will bless your home. I will bless your comings and your goings. I have joy for you, I want to fill you with my joy. I will use you to do great things in my name. You are mine. I created you. What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do. I have called you. I have chosen you. I have a purpose for you. You are mine. I love you. Be still and know that I am God.

Thank you, God. Thank you. Here I am. Fill me. Use me. Save me. Strengthen me. Move in me. Make me holy as You are holy. Renew my spirit. Heal my hurts. Forgive my sins. Teach me. Guide me. Use me. I love you.

2 Responses to “My struggle….”

  1. Janet Says:

    Wow. I think you have been in my head lately.

    There is a great book that has been an encouragement to me. It’s “Captivating” by Stasi Eldredge. The core principle is that most often women feel that they are “too much and not enough” all at the same time. It also addresses how the Enemy tries to cripple women.

    Thanks for this post. I needed it.

  2. Susan Belrose Says:

    So who is ministering now? I am very resistant today with God so at this very moment I just read your words and think – oh ya I know I know and still nothing changes. But stirring deeper is a hope that He will show His purposes, His plans, and His desires to me for I am still His child no matter how long I held on to my sin and would not listen to Him. I hope I will soon be sick and tired of being a spiritual retard that takes over 5 years to learn every big lesson. Thank God in His faithfulness and patience to repeat the lessons until I finally get it. Thanks Penny for sharing your site with me.

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