Day 2

March 3rd, 2010

Tuesday March 2, 2010

Today was pretty much a complete wash. Good Zone morning, but then the kids came home from school and everything went straight to hell. Oh well.

DAY 1

March 3rd, 2010

This was actually Monday’s workout,  March 1, 2010.

Run/walk 2.5 miles

CrossFit WOD War Frank (modified)

3 rounds for 17:48

15 Lat pull downs 50lbs

15 Triceps dips

30 Squats

15 Flat sit ups (laying flat, roll up, touch toes, roll down)

Mostly Zone diet, 11 blocks protein, carbs, and fat.

New week…

February 15th, 2010

I hate being sad.  I do this every once in a while.  I get obsessed with one thing and it pretty much takes over my mind.  I can go about my day and function almost normally, sing at church, play with the kids, interact with the husband, whatever I need to do, but when I get quiet, when I am alone, this one thing takes over my thoughts.  Right now it’s sadness. Remorse, regret, guilt, whatever you want to call it, I’m just sad.  I feel like I’ve failed and I’ll admit that I’m not used to that.  I’ve been told NO and then prevented from pleading my case.  I feel helpless and useless and ashamed. Ugh. Ok, I’ll stop wallowing in my own misery in a few minutes.  I’ve pretty much cried it all out anyway.  Time to pray about it and get on with my life.  I know.

Hehheh, but then I tend to get a little bloodthirsty and vengeful, cause when I look for the verse that says “He rescued me because He delighted in me” I find the verse: “He is the God who avenges me”.  Gotta love Psalms.  I know it’s a long one, but it made me feel encouraged today so I’m putting it up so maybe I can encourage someone else.

Psalms 18.

1 I love you, O LORD, my strength.

2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn [a] of my salvation, my stronghold.

3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

4 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

5 The cords of the grave [b] coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

6 In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.

7 The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.

8 Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.

9 He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.

10 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.

11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.

12 Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.

13 The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded. [c]

14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies ,
great bolts of lightning and routed them.

15 The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

19 He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

20 The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.

21 For I have kept the ways of the LORD;
I have not done evil by turning from my God.

22 All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.

23 I have been blameless before him
and have kept myself from sin.

24 The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

25 To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,

26 to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.

27 You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.

28 You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.

29 With your help I can advance against a troop [d] ;
with my God I can scale a wall.

30 As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.

31 For who is God besides the LORD ?
And who is the Rock except our God?

32 It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.

33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.

34 He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

35 You give me your shield of victory,
and your right hand sustains me;
you stoop down to make me great.

36 You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn.

37 I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.

38 I crushed them so that they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.

39 You armed me with strength for battle;
you made my adversaries bow at my feet.

40 You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.

41 They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
to the LORD, but he did not answer.

42 I beat them as fine as dust borne on the wind;
I poured them out like mud in the streets.

43 You have delivered me from the attacks of the people;
you have made me the head of nations;
people I did not know are subject to me.

44 As soon as they hear me, they obey me;
foreigners cringe before me.

45 They all lose heart;
they come trembling from their strongholds.

46 The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!

47 He is the God who avenges me,
who subdues nations under me,

48 who saves me from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
from violent men you rescued me.

49 Therefore I will praise you among the nations, O LORD;
I will sing praises to your name.

50 He gives his king great victories;
he shows unfailing kindness to his anointed,
to David and his descendants forever.

Still struggling…

February 11th, 2010

Yeah, I guess you could call it a struggle. I’m mad. Angry. Furious. Livid. And I have no one to blame but my own self. How impotent is that? To be angry at myself? And why am I so angry? Even the reason is stupid. I cared. About a problem, about a person, about a hurt, it doesn’t matter what it was, just that I cared. I deliberately let this problem get under my skin and actually affect my life. I worried about this problem. I prayed about this person. I tried to soothe this hurt. I honestly thought I could help. I thought I could solve this problem. I thought I could reach this person. I thought God would heal this hurt. So maybe my struggle isn’t anger. Maybe my struggle is vanity. No. Let’s call it pride.  I was proud of myself for thinking I could solve this problem. I was proud to say I’m praying for this person. I was even proud to add this hurt to myself. Turns out I only created a bigger problem, alienated the person, and caused more hurt for more than myself. So here I am again, at the foot of the Cross, begging for forgiveness. I give up, Lord. You have moved me out of the way, please, work in spite of me.

One good thing about anger, though, it makes my workouts easier. I’ll talk more later, I’ve got a sick little boy who wants to go take a nap.

p

My struggle….

November 4th, 2009

I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m angry. I’m unsure. I’m afraid. I’m tired. I feel like I’ve been completely locked out of my own house with no way to get back in. I feel like I’ve been forgotten and deliberately left out of the group that is going to my party. I’m back to the broken terrified little girl who’s hiding in her closet hoping the monster doesn’t come in. I feel so alone it hurts to feel anything at all. Inside I’m screaming: WHY? Why me? Why now? Why this? Why? Why? Why? What will I do? How will I survive? Where do I go? Who could possibly love me now? What did I do wrong? At my very core I have no more hope. There is no more happy anywhere. What is left? I even feel like God is gone. And it gets worse. I have friends who are hurting. I have family who are hurting. People I love are feeling the same helplessness and despair that I am and there’s nothing I can do to help. Children are hurting. Parents are suffering. God! Where have you gone?

So often, as I get older, I feel so overwhelmed by this darkness and I do know that it’s evil. I do understand that as a child of God I am in an absolute battle, Ephesians 6:12 says “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” I understand this. I know this. So why do I still question and fall into the enemy’s trap of doubt and hopelessness? Because satan knows exactly what arrows to use to pierce my heart and weaken my faith. ‘You can’t possibly matter enough for her to remember you. Why would you think he would find you attractive, don’t you look in the mirror? No one cares if you go or not, they won’t miss you. No wonder your kids don’t respect you, you’re not worthy of respect. You’re not fooling anyone, you don’t have anything together, you’re useless.’ How does the enemy know what to use to defeat me? Because he does his homework too. He knows all my issues. He amplifies my nightmares and uses my emotions against me. And he knows too that I’m lazy. I don’t read my bible every day. I always have my ‘salvation helmet’ but it seems that the sword of the Spirit gets forgotten. Then the shield of faith falters. Then the darkness comes back. And I’m again the broken little girl hiding from the monster. And I begin to question. How could a God that loves me let such bad things happen to me? Because those things are still affecting me. And they’re effecting the way I raise my children. And the older I get the more resentment and bitterness I seem to have. And the more fear. And there’s the most effective weapon that satan has, fear. Because at the bottom of all the other emotions are fear. I’m afraid I’m not a good enough Mom. I’m afraid I’m not a good enough wife. I’m afraid I’m not a good enough friend. I’m afraid I’m not a good enough witness. I’m afraid I’m failing at the most important things I’ve been called to do and that fear is crashing in on me from all sides and I’m sinking and I’m screaming and I’m sobbing and there’s so much noise and so much confusion and I can’t hear and I can’t see and the darkness is winning.

And all of a sudden, in that tiny split second of silence, while I’m drawing another breath for one more plea, I feel a silent whisper.

Peace. Be still and know that I am God. And the tears begin to subside. Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. I will never leave you. And the loneliness begins to ease. The winds and the seas obey my commands. Peace. Be still. And the waves of fear still and I’m no longer tossed around. Let there be light. And the darkness fades. I am faithful to fulfill my promise in you. I began a good work in you, I will complete it. I love you. I delight in you. I long to show you my ways, for my ways are not like your ways. I’m your Father, I love you more than anything else I have created. Come here, I will give you rest. I will give you my strength, and you will be safe. I hurt when you hurt. I ache when you cry. I am here, waiting to hold you when you have lost all hope. I am hope. I am love. I am peace. I am here. All you have to do is accept me. I will protect you. There is no one like me. I am the beginning and the end, there is no one more powerful than me. You are my child and I love you. I want to give you my grace, for my grace is sufficient for you. I will make you strong when you feel weak. I am here. I forgive you. I love you. I want you. You are mine. I see your heart, I know your fears. I love you. I created you, I have a purpose for you. I want to teach you that purpose. I will be with you. I will never leave you. I am here. I love you. My love for you will never falter, it will never leave you. I delight in you. Acccept me. Love me. I will bless you beyond measure. I will bless your children. I will bless your home. I will bless your comings and your goings. I have joy for you, I want to fill you with my joy. I will use you to do great things in my name. You are mine. I created you. What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do. I have called you. I have chosen you. I have a purpose for you. You are mine. I love you. Be still and know that I am God.

Thank you, God. Thank you. Here I am. Fill me. Use me. Save me. Strengthen me. Move in me. Make me holy as You are holy. Renew my spirit. Heal my hurts. Forgive my sins. Teach me. Guide me. Use me. I love you.

Life Lessons…..

September 15th, 2009

Before I was married, I dreamed of having a house full of mean little red-headed boys.  My friend Jessica has two beautiful freckle-faced boys with dark red hair and mayhem in their eyes. My friend Kari has three boys with red hair and evil grins. I love them all. However, God, in His infinite wisdom, only blessed me with one. May I just say, THANK YOU! I have no idea what I would do with more than one boy. Yesterday, we were in the shoe store  trying to find shoes that made him run faster and I was kneeling in front of him attempting to put socks on his feet. He’s growling at me “BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!” I didn’t say anything at all to him but I gave him “those” eyes and he immediately got silent. Then, as he’s looking directly into my heart, he mouths “blah“.  Thank you Lord, for making him funny.

So school starts Monday, and I can’t tell you how ready I am. I have a new notebook, I have new shoes, I even have a new shirt. Oh, and the kids have new stuff too, hehheh. I let Sarah pick out her shoes, she had to have dressy ones for church and chapel, gym shoes, and then casual shoes. She picked out glittery silver dressy ones, pink tennis shoes, and Hannah Montana boots.  She’s so cool. Course, she’s worn the boots out in the rain today so they might not last the weekend. We’ll see.  I had to force Jack into gym shoes, and dressy shoes for chapel just didn’t make it. I got him boots and we’ll hope that’s ok.

Ok, so I’ve got to remember to finish a post when I start it. It’s now 3 weeks into school and I no longer have any idea what I was thinking when I began. Oh well, such is life. So school is going great, I was a little concerned that Jack would not want to go, especially when he called his teacher a big dumb girl, but she’s also very pretty and very young and very blond, that seems to help quite a bit.  He’s actually upset that he only gets to go 3 days a week, he wants to go every day. Some days I think “NO, he’s too young, let me keep him little just a little longer.”  But most days I seriously consider it.

Sarah’s only complaint so far is that the books she’s been given to read are too easy for her.  She is supposed to read them each three times and after the first time she’s pretty much got it memorized. “Mom, I can read it with my eyes closed, watch”. And then she does. So I picked up the “Dick and Jane Treasury ” I had bought years ago and she got so excited. “You mean I get to read that whole big book?”  And then she opened it and read a little to herself, looked up and me and with the straightest face and most monotone voice she says “Oh oh oh. Look look look. Mom Mom Mom. Boring boring boring.” Guess she’s gonna start Crime and Punishment next.

So J’s work seems to be going well. His side business has slowed down a bit but I keep hearing rumors that changes are coming so we’ll have to see about that.

Let’s see, so what else.  I’m doing well,  involved in 2 bible studies and a “Creative Corrections” class for the semester. I’m really enjoying all 3, although the CC hasn’t started yet. One study is a Beth Moore on Esther, it’s wonderful. I just love her. And she’s southern so I feel right at home.  The other is my regular Tuesday morning study that I’ve been out of for many months. A friend and I went back this morning and I can’t believe I’ve stayed away for so long. Thank you, Linda, for your wonderful heart and beautiful teaching. And thank you Lord for Linda!

Ok, it’s late and I’m tired. Time to wrap this up and hit the hay. I’ll post more later, I’m working on a tough devotional one. Say a prayer for me, it involves all sorts of worries of mine. Love ya’ll!

p

Thursday…

June 11th, 2009

Ok, I really have been ok with me eating and exercising, except for this week. Eating is fine but the gym? I’ve been once. So I’ll weigh in tomorrow morning and report on any changes, good or bad. I’m measuring once a month.

Did you know you can buy soy-nut butter at WalMart? It’s actually very good, the kids didn’t even know it wasn’t peanut butter. And that’s a huge compliment from a 6 year old. So I’m feeling a little smug eating the soy butter on my whole grain mini bagel and drinking my water. But now the coffee’s finished, time to give in to my addiction. 🙂

Monday…

June 1st, 2009

Well, I got my workout in today. 2 miles in 30 minutes. Then the CrossFit workout was 5 rounds of 15 15lb dumbbell cleans ans 11 50lb lat pullowns. In 26 minutes. I’m pooped. I did ok with eating, too, till I got to my bible study and bought a piece of rice krispy candy that was seriously almost as big as my head. And I ate. the. whole. thing! Boy, it was good, too. But I weighed in and measured so I know where I’m starting. I’ll update as often as I can.

‘Night!

p

New Challange…

May 31st, 2009

So my sister and I have challenged each other to lose at least 30lbs before Thanksgiving. It begins tomorrow. Which is even more fortuitous for me because both my new marathon training and a new CrossFit cycle start tomorrow. I won’t be posting my current weight or measurements here but I will post what I’ve lost or gained. I know, I’ve said that before and have never followed through but this time I mean it. And how many times have I said that, too? Umpteen gazillion, I know. I’ll post at least once a week if not more. I mean, now that I’m addicted to Mafia Wars I’m sure I’ll be online every day so there’s no excuse not to post here too.

So right now I’m off to bed. More tomorrow!

p

(I will post a picture but tonight is keeps crashing me so it will have to go up later.)

AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!

May 31st, 2009

Facebook facebook, why have you forsaken me? It’s middle of the day on Sunday, and we’re on a roll at my house. The kids had cupcakes and Froot Loops for breakfast, and now they’re demolishing a bag of cheesy poofs for lunch. J and I have been playing games on the computer since we came downstairs. He’s on the couch playing Mario brothers on my netbook and I’m in the office playing MafiaWars on facebook. Or at least I was till Facebook went down for repairs. Or maintenance. Whatever. Either way it’s a pain in the butt cause I was just about to fight somebody. Oh well, guess I can go make a sandwich now.